We realize that there are some excellent hamburgers to be had in Chicago. We know that. It is intellectually obvious to us that in a city with such excellent dining, such unrepentant carnivorousness, such shameless dedication to the glories of hand-held meat, there are burgers to be found that will make you stop mid-chew just to let the melding flavors of the beef, the bread, the sauce, the toppings sink into your tongue. We know this.

But we can't shake the feeling that in this matter, we get our hats handed to us by our coastal rivals, New York and Los Angeles.

New York has the bar burger down to a science: the meat's the matter, hefty salt-and-peppered patties with charred outsides and prime insides, with slapdash as-you-like-'em condiments on a no-nonsense bun (see: Burger Joint, Corner Bistro). And L.A. owns the fast-food patty (see: In-N-Out Burger, Fatburger): a patty small enough that it takes two to make a meal, a melt-in-your-mouth bun, special seasonings and sauces that give each burger purveyor an easily distinguishable iconic flavor (in fact, New York's famous Shake Shack, despite its east-coast location, is widely considered a west coast burger). But, critically, both cities' iconic burgers are unsnobby, straightforward, and pure in their intent to sate the cravings of the consuming masses.

This is all a very roundabout way of getting to the point: When we read in The Dish that there was going to be a Chicago outpost of a SoCal burger chain opening in mid-September, we went all squee and started strategizing lunches and lucid-daydreaming potato buns, all in the span of the one second it took us to get to the next sentence, where we realized that the chain in question &mdash The Counter &mdash is not exactly what we were hoping for:

The Concept: Choice.

Step into The Counter® and you’re greeted with a clipboard and an extensive list of fresh mouth-watering ingredients that allow you to build your own gourmet burger. Our 312,120+ different burger combinations [“You choose beef, turkey, veggie, or grilled chicken,” says Brian Berman, The Counter’s director of marketing. “You are then given choices of ten aged domestic or imported cheeses, 28 toppings, and 18 sauces, and three artisan baked buns.”] make every burger as unique as each customer. Rarely is the same burger made twice in one day.

Anti-Established in 2003, The Counter® is the 21st century’s bold answer to the classic burger joint. Ushering in a fresh era of industrial decor, today’s music, cold beer, unique wines, cocktails, and burger options that are only limited by your imagination.

Setting aside "anti-established" (and believe us, not writing an entire freaking post railing on this abortion of a neologism is an act of extremely serious willpower), this Chipotle of burger joints is not what we are looking for. We don't want artisan baked buns! We don't want someone telling us that grilled chicken is a burger, because grilled chicken is NOT a burger. We do not want "the 21st century's bold answer to the classic burger joint," because the classic burger joint is just fine by us, thank you very much, and also there is that universal rule that anything that mentions "the 21st century" is by definition totally mired in the aesthetic of the 1990s. WE DO NOT WANT AGED DOMESTIC OR IMPORTED CHEESES. WE DO NOT WANT THE MUSIC OF TODAY. WE DO NOT WANT UNIQUE FREAKING WINES. We do not want to choose from 312,120+ combinations!

Deep breath.

Here is what we do want: We want some dude, preferably grizzled, to throw a hunk of meat on a broiler or a grill or a flattop. We want fatty chuck that dribbles when we bite into it. We want to order by saying "everything" or "plain" or "hold the pickles." We want the combination of sauces and toppings to be determined by someone who is a burger expert, whose entire life is burgers, so that when we are arguing with our friends about hamburgers (which we totally do, and do far too often) we can refer to a burger from a certain place and have everyone understand exactly what we are talking about (see: Frege's On Sense and Reference), without having to indicate combination #124,422 out of OVER THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND.

That is all we want from our burgers. It's not too much. Is it too much?

Anyway. Counter opens its first Chicago outpost in mid-September, and is planning to roll out 15 more storefronts over the next seven years. Plenty of time for our rage to subside.

Burgers, Bagels, and Boasts [The Dish]
Counter Burgers [Official Site]

[Photo: Counter's veggie burger, via Counter's Official Site, where out of 18 photos only 2 are of the actual freaking burgers.]

The hole that Burger King was in after the failure to agree to a penny-per-pound increase for tomato workers has just been getting deeper and deeper. Last week, we learned that a vice president in the company wrote some blog posts criticizing the Coalition of Immokalee Workers. There's also talk of some e-mails sent from the BK server that were sympathetic to the group.

And today we learned that Burger King actually hired someone to spy on another group, the Student/Farmworker Alliance, that works with the Coalition of Immokalee Workers:

In March, a woman named Cara Schaffer contacted the Student/Farmworker Alliance, saying she was a student at Broward Community College. Her eagerness aroused suspicions, but she was allowed to join two of the group’s planning sessions. Internet searches by the alliance revealed that she was not a college student.

Ms. Schaffer is the 25-year-old owner of a private security firm. Her company, Diplomatic Tactical Services, seems like the kind of security firm you’d find in one of Carl Hiaasen’s crime thrillers. Last year Ms. Schaffer was denied a private investigator’s license; she had failed to supply the Florida licensing division with proof of “lawfully gained, verifiable experience or training.” Even more unsettling, one of her former subcontractors, Guillermo Zarabozo, is now facing murder charges in United States District Court in Miami for his role in allegedly executing four crew members of a charter fishing boat, then dumping their bodies at sea.

(Aside: for those of you outside of South Florida who are unfamiliar with this mystery at sea, read this. It's pretty harrowing. And the fact that this woman is connected with Zarabozo is either just coincidence or totally sketchy. Take your pick.)

According to the company, the spying was done for security purposes in an effort to prevent any violent acts and ensure the safety of its employees and assets. Which would be justified if the group had a history of violence, which it does not. At all.

So, this could be fun. Sit back, relax, and watch the corporate backpedaling.

Burger King probes e-posts [Miami Herald]
Burger with a Side of Spies [New York Times]
Coalition of Immokalee Workers March Today On BK Headquarters [MP: South Florida]
Burger King [Official Site]

Look out Daniel Boulud — a $167 hamburger (GBP85) has debuted at selected Burger Kings in London.

Burger King's new Kobe beef burger will be topped with blue cheese and will be sold at the chain's Kensington and Chelsea, London locations. According to Lucy Barrett of British mag Marketing, it's all just one gonzo PR stunt:

"The idea of a burger that no one buys is not as ludicrous as it seems. Burger King will use it to promote a gap in perception between it and McDonald’s. It could lead consumers to reassess the quality of the brand."

The burger, which will use wagyu beef, was inspired by a similarly priced truffles-and-brie sandwich that UK chain Selfridges was supposed to roll out. However, there was one change made to BK's sandwich... They ditched the idea of topping it with foie gras after encountering pressure from PETA.

No word about how the animal rights activists feel about all that yummy, yummy beef.

Burger King Goes Black Tie [Portfolio]
Burger King to offer exclusive London burger [Marketing]
Burger King agrees to drop foie gras from GBP85 burger [Marketing]
It's a whopper of a price [The Sun]

ZED451, the River North American-style churrascaria is opening tonight to much fanfare. We passed judgment on the restaurant a few weeks ago, contending that it would be a fun place to spend an evening, but the all-you-can-eat meat selection and chef-driven sides would probably never rise above "good enough" at this suburban-origin chain. Gastronomic Bypass was there the other night for their free preview dinner, and pretty much confirmed our suspicions.

So we were somewhat surprised when we got a review this morning entitled "Zed-understanding fine dining!" from Sandra Smith-Doghmi, co-owner of Red Carpet Concierge. She wrote:

From the front door to the rooftop garden the experience was fabulous. Douglas Wickard, GM and his staff welcomed, served and d the ultimate in Chicago Dining! It is compared to dinner at Oprah's home. Buffet style for the first few courses with butlers constantly wandering with rump roast, garlic steak, sirloin, filet, short ribs, orange bbq pork ribs, parmesan crusted pork medallions, grilled chicken breast & legs, citrus salmon and lamb. Oh, and you have to start out with the fondue meats appitizer, the best. Zed definetly offers something unique-beyond compare. A Chicago Concierge

Our guess is that Mrs. Smith-Doghmi meant, "welcomed, served and delivered the ultimate in Chicago Dining" (emphasis added; or maybe she meant "dismembered"?) But anyway, there's very little attempt to hide that this is a bald shill. As a professional concierge, Mrs. Smith-Doghmi must constantly seek out new clients and reciprocal relationships to exploit (less cynical people might call this "synergy"), and there's clearly some quid pro quo going on in this case. Why else make such audacious claims about a restaurant that isn't even open to the public yet? Even if you assume that she had a good time at the dinner, this reads as a PR plug and not an honest reflection of experience (she rated it a 5/5/5/5, which is strongly frowned upon). We mean, really, what can you do with "It is compared to dinner at Oprah's home." Although on the other hand, Mrs. Smith-Doghmi is more likely to have eaten Chez 'O' than any of us. No, still, our sensibilities are offended.

If any actually unaffiliated people make it to ZED451 tonight and love it, please let us know.

ZED451 [MenuPages]
ZED451 [Official Site]
Red Carpet Concierge [Official Site]

[Photo: shiller Sandra Smith-Doghmi, Red Carpet Concierge]

We've been tracking some back and forth about the way Bandera's hostesses keep track of the queue of people waiting to be seated.

In May of 2007, a user left an otherwise glowing review of the restaurant:

being on Michigan Ave. you'd think it's too posh to enjoy but not really. it's pretty cozy, dark, and private.

one thing though that threw me was the hostess... when we walked in she wrote down visual descriptions of us all the way down to the piercings in some sort of short hand. the only reason i saw it was because the waitress accidentally set the card down on our table when she was talking to us. i understood most of what was written about me, some of it made me go hmm but that was just weird and made me uncomfortable to know that detailed descriptions were being written down about us.

anyway, the waitress was very nice and the food was very very good. as per usual with Bandera. and pricing isn't too high but it certainly could be lower... but that's just my opinion and i really doesn't cross my mind when eating there.

We can certainly understand being unsettled by the perception that one's hostess has gone all Homeland on you! But this was not the end of the story. Some months later, a user by the name of "Ex-Hostess" left a review that sought to clarify the nature of the hostesses' practices:

I worked at Bandera for a little over two years and just wanted to clarify the previous reviewers unsettling experience with the extremely detailed description that the hostess took. Bandera refuses to use the pager/ beeper system feeling that it makes the dining experience much less personal. Thus, as a host, we have about a minute to take a quick description of the guest as we write down the name, time they came in, party size, and amount of time quoted. When you are on a twenty minute wait, it is extremely easy to find your guests. When you are on an hour and a half wait and have taken over 50 names, it becomes much more difficult - thus, the crazy descriptions. So- if you want to guarantee that the hostess will find you an hour and a half after you have put your name in - be a little more creative with your dress! You would be shocked on how many men / women wear jeans, black sweater and black shoes.

This raises as many questions as it answers. Why does Bandera deserve the devotion necessary to create 90 minute wait times? Actually, that's the only question. The boringly dressed clientele really tells a story, though.

A third comment was registered just yesterday:

Just a quick follow up regarding the hostess description issue. Just to clarify, the hostess did not accidentally leave the card on the table. One is placed on every table, with the description in plain view (no one's trying to be sneaky here) so that the servers know if or if not the table has been greeted. Once the table has in fact had an initial greeting from a server, the card is either written on and or taken off the table by their server. Point being, there is no discriminatory system going on here.

The way we could see this turning nefarious is if the hostesses use non-PC terminology to describe their patrons; where is the line between objectively informative and subjectively nasty? Is it simply a function of the adjectives used? The kind of profiling in question goes on silently everywhere all the time, but the act of writing it down is a little creepy and invasive, no matter how well-intentioned.

We'll buy that a beeper system is too Outback-y (although Bandera is a chain with five locations nationwide), but you know what would be kind of cool? If digital photography could be utilized. A picture of your party is taken upon arrival, and when it's your turn, the picture shows up on a screen mounted in the waiting area. Kind of arty, right? Or we'd be perfectly happy to simply receive a text message when it's our turn to dine. Yes, we think that's a lot less...subject to lawsuits.

Bandera [MenuPages]
Bandera [Official Site]

[Photo: from their website]

Chicago's intrepid food bloggers were all over the damn place last week, in alphabetical order by restaurant

• Cheap and easy Thai and Sushi at Butterfly in West Town, when you don't feel like straining your palate or budget [Gastronomic Bypass]

• One-week-old Cafe Marbella, a tapas restaurant in northern Peterson Park, impressed Monica Eng with top-notch mussels and baked goat cheese; she calls it "easily the best new place I know for big convivial dinners on a wintry night." Also, it's BYO for now [The Stew]

• Even former vegans love the taste of Chicago Diner's egg- and dairy-free baked goods. Try the "coconut-custard filled carrot cupcake with coconut 'butter' cream;" it requires six 'c' words to properly describe! [Bake and Destroy]

• When in doubt, Clarke's on Belmont will usually have a free table for brunch (not waiting is worth a lot!) Try the waffles, and if you order potatoes, remember to ask for extra crispy [Drive-Thru]

• Gold Coast winebar Cru Café has a disappointing tendency toward mediocrity, striking both high and low notes on food, service and atmosphere in a genre with a lot of competition [Chicago Foodies]

• Do you like English pub clones? Slightly more true-to-original than Irish pubs, Elephant & Castle has opened a third Chicago location at 185 N Wabash. As the exotic Brits say, "cheers" [Chicago Foodies]

• A little bit more down-and-dirty than Fish Keg, Hagen's Fish Market, will smoke it or fry it if you bring it in, and sells trans-fatty sandwiches and seafood by the pound [Chicago Foodies]

• Kicking it ever up a notch, Hopleaf offers a cashew butter and jelly sandwich, which is pan-fried and served with Stilton mac & cheese. Yowza! [Chicagoist]

• Some of the best surprise dining treats can be found in strip malls; enter La Gondola, which serves big portions of tasty and classic Italian cuisine in addition to their popular pizzas [Drive-Thru]

• Bridget and Tammy go to OTOM, and like - but don't love - the Moto sibling. The food scores merely 3/5 from both reviewers [Chicago Bites]

• We rarely hear "too spicy" as a major complaint about a restaurant, but such is the case for, Zocalo, whose overpriced Mexican food did not impress the reviewer besides [Gastronomic Bypass]

[Photo: Flipped Out/flickr. See Chicagoist for details.]

Which word do you more closely associate with Christmas: steak, or bible? Why choose! Morton's is offering their Steak Bible, 240 hardcover pages of recipes, photos and God knows what else, for the low introductory rate of $21 (it's normally $30).

This is an exceptionally unexceptional gift, of course. Corporate and lower-middlebrow, we'd be mildly offended if we received it this holiday season. HOWEVER, there are several presents on Morton's gift page (click on "Morton's Store") that would tickle us to death. It goes without saying that we'd appreciate a $2,500 gift card, the absurd upper limit given on the website. Although we imagine that if you call them up, the sky's the limit.

But the real prize here is the pewter pig lamp. Oh hell yes! May our humble home be illuminated not but by these porcine beacons. Are they really on the tables at Morton's? If so, why not pewter cow lamps? But who are we to judge genius, especially at the reasonable rate of $80 a pop.

In the future, we'll be able to grow these lamps with stem cells!

Morton's, The Steakhouse (Loop) [MenuPages]
Morton's, The Steakhouse (Gold Coast) [MenuPages]
Morton's, The Steakhouse [Official Site]

[Photo: "...contented pig, resting on his laurels after a satisfying meal...", Morton's]

Red Lobster has a blog! The blog's two contributors are executive chefs at the seafood giant, and they've been posting around once or twice a week since mid-July on topics like recipes, restaurant conferences, healthy eating, and the like. Yesterday or so, they sent out a press release about the blog to RL's mailing list. Everyone who followed the link ended up on the same post, a spice blend recipe for grilled firm white fish that sounds perfectly reasonable and inoccuous. But that didn't stop 31 people from leaving entirely off-topic comments about individual restaurants and experiences, many of them as illiterate as our unusable MenuPages user reviews.

Take, for example, commenter "pat" from central Illinois, who pecked out a paean in all caps:

I TRUELY LOVE RED LOBSTER IT OUR ANNUAL GIRLS NIGHT OUT EXSPECIALLY DURING THE HOLIDAY WE DO OUR GIFT GIVING THERE FOR THE LAST 6YEARS UNTIL I MOVE AWAY I WAS GOING TO THE ONE IN CHAMPAIGN,IL AND THEY ALWAYS HAS GREAT SERVES AND PEOPLE LOVE THEM FOR THAT,AND THE FOOD IS SOOOOO GREAT AND THE SERVES IS GOOD, THE OLY THING YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT BECAUSE IT BE FULL, BUT IT HASN'T STOP ME FROM WAITING, I DON'T CARE BECAUSE THE SERVE IS GOOD THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY TIME WONDERFUL THERE.

But the sad thing is, we're jealous of Pat and her ability to enjoy the simple pleasures in life without cynicism or bitterness. Oh, to have such low standards! To live in blissful ignorance!

Actually, screw that - we do want to be the one that spoils the party. It's much more fun! And we'd like to believe it helps make the world a little less vapid, even at the expense of people, you know, tolerating us. So we admire "anonymous," who admonished everyone to snap out of it:

People, people, people...

I've never blogged before and perhaps I'm wrong, but isn't this blog for "spicing up your fish" and not compliments or complaints about RL? If you have a problem, you need to advise the store manager and then follow up with corporate, they do have an area to do this. Also, if you'd like to compliment a store or person imparticular, let the store manager and corporate know.

And so for me, on this blog, I'd like to say: Thank you Chef, for the spice recipe above, I plan to try it this weekend.

Yes! Thank you very much. We should all try to be more like anonymous this weekend. Have a good weekend.

Spicing Up Your Fish [Red Lobster blog]
Red Lobster - River North [MenuPages]
Red Lobster - Archer Heights [MenuPages]

[Photo: Fried fish and broiled scallops combo at RL in Gilbert, AZ. Why is everything on this plate yellow or brown? (chowdownphoenix)]

Last we heard of the Hyde Park Co-Op bankruptcy mini-scandal - wherein the neighborhood's main grocery store is about to go belly up under a mountain of unmanageable debt - the University of Chicago was recommending that the Co-Op's members vote for a plan to allow the supermarket to bow out gracefully and for a new one to speedily replace it.

Well, the school's ratcheted up its rhetoric in recent days, dismissing the possibility that there is any other way to solve this problem aside from the U of C's plan. Hank Webber, Vice President for Community and Government Affairs, writes:

As I noted in my message of November 7, the Co-Op is facing very serious financial problems from which it will be difficult, if not impossible, to recover. The Co-Op is currently over $5.5 million in debt and does not have sufficient assets to pay off that amount.

.....

The University, which owns the Hyde Park Shopping Center in which the store is located, has narrowed the search for a new grocer to either Treasure Island or Dominick's...both of these stores have committed that they will be able to open in that location within two weeks after the Co-Op closes although there may be a period of closure later in the redevelopment process. The University and a new grocer will invest over $5M into the physical facilities in order to create a vastly improved shopping experience.

.....

The Co-Op has sought and been denied financing on numerous occasions, and there is substantial doubt that it would be successful in this current attempt. Without this capital, the Co-Op will have to liquidate, which means the immediate loss of jobs for employees, smaller payments to creditors, and a potentially long period in which the store would remain closed before the legal system would allow a new grocer to open.

And with an iron fist, the University of Chicago banishes the Co-Op from the kingdom of Hyde Park! Never mind that the Co-Op's board is 2/3 in favor of this plan, and that the Co-Op is a really crappy supermarket - it's fun to rail against the school's habit of gentrifying the neighborhood in really obnoxious ways. Although a Treasure Island would at least be interesting.

Anyway, we will be following this.

[Photo: Co-Op History]

Originally posted 5/11/07. Chick-Fil-A: the leader in red state regional fast food dining.

Yesterday, we mentioned that we enjoy keeping tabs on the fast food industry because it is the zeitgeist of American taste. Well, ask and ye shall receive: Zagat unleashed its horde of citizen-reviewers on the fast food world, and reported the results of the survey today. Divvying up fast food into two categories - all chains and mega-chains with over 5k outlets - Zagat's report contends that Panera is the top chain overall, and Wendy's is the top mega-chain.

We cannot confirm nor deny this assessment personally, but we can provide some more detail. Panera, which has five locations in Chicago, beat out Chick-fil-A (which has no locations in Chicago) and Chipotle, tied for second, and Sonic (also no Chicago locations) and Quizno's. On the mega-chain side, Wendy's topped Subway (2nd), Pizza Hut (3rd) and DQ and McD (tied for 4th) - all of which have Chicago branches, obviously.

It is not surprising that none of the mega-chains cracked the top five overall; one loses quite a bit of quality to maintain that level of quantity. The category favorites, however, show a consumer preference for individual mega-chain products. The best three burgers are Wendy's, BK and McD, and the best three fries went to McD's, BK and Wendy's, respectively. McD's was named most child-friendly (playland!), but KFC lost best chicken to Chick-fil-A "by a beak," as the press release smirks.

Why are there no Chick-fil-As in Chicago? The long and short of it is, the company is run by a fundamentalist Christian named S. Truett Cathy, who lamintes his beliefs onto the chain by closing on Sundays (which is fine) and through promotional giveaways of Christian toys, books and CDs at the stores (which is a tad frightening). We prefer our propaganda to be purely commercial and ethically vacant, thank you very much. Anyway, it will be a cold day in Hell before Cathy allows one of his stores to open in relatively heathen Chicago. Don't let all those churches fool you: we're wicked folk. Don't worry, though - CfA found enough God-fearers in Kenosha, WI, to warrant a branch. It's located in a large mall, and you can gawk at ungainly Americans while you scarf down your (admittedly enjoyable) signature chicken sandwich.

Zagat Reveals Results of Fast Food Survey [PRNewswire]
Fast-Food Chains [Zagat]
Panera locations in Chicago [MenuPages]
S. Truett Cathy [Official Site]
Chick-Fil-A [Wikipedia]

[Photo: Chick-Fil-A Kid's Zone. The slogan refers to filling children with chicken and Christian values]

(Why are you seeing this old post? Click here to find out!)

Perhaps more than this article in the Hyde Park Herald (click it while you can; when the next issue comes out, it will be gone from the web forever!) lets on, it seems. The Co-op has already lost its 53rd street and 47th street branches, and the neighborhood's ability to feed itself is intimately tied up in the fate of the ailing 55th street flagship. Now, why would a crappy, overpriced grocery store with a virtual monopoly over a relatively wealthy neighborhood, which itself is at the center of a giant food desert, be losing money? Maybe it's the crappy part! Actually, maybe it's the fact that they have to pay rent on the shuttered 47th street location for another 16 years! And the building's owner is also the grocery's supplier, so they're totally stuck. This strikes us as pretty stupid.

Anyway, the Co-op is over a million dollars behind in rent to the University of Chicago, and the Herald article runs down its options: take out a loan, renegotiate with the U of C (a historically losing proposition for neighborhood businesses), or file for bankruptcy. Since it's a co-op, the decision on what to do next will be put up to a vote in around a week and a half.

But an email that the University of Chicago sent around to Hyde Parkers seems to imply that even if the Co-op's debt is relieved, it may not be enough to save the supermarket:

...the University has indicated its willingness to forgive most of the unpaid rent and to supply additional funds in order to substantially repay local vendors to whom the Co-op is in debt. These actions would permit the Co-op to close without the costly process of bankruptcy proceedings and allow a new grocer to begin operations within two weeks of closure. All current Co-op employees would have an opportunity to interview for jobs in the new store as part of the arrangement with a new grocer.

Yes, the Co-op is exactly like one of those failing schools. But don't worry about running out of food! The University also states that it will "...remain committed to having a new, high-quality grocer at this site." OMG, could you imagine if a Whole Foods moved in, and half the neighborhood was really thrilled and the other half suddenly couldn't afford to buy groceries anymore? Exciting! For those of you who care, the full text of the email is after the jump.

Co-Op nearing the end? [Hyde Park Herald]

[Photo: a harbinger of things to come? Nat Hansen/flickr]

Continue reading "How Doomed Is The Hyde Park Co-Op?" »

Scanning LTHForum this afternoon, we noticed a thread on the infamous McRib sandwich. (By the way, if you go to the website, you won't find anything about the sandwich or where it's available.) LTHer Phil notes that the sandwich is coming to certain South and Southwest Side McD's this week, and aschie30 adds that it will also be available at Clark and Lake.

Well, as you can imagine, LTH has some strong partisans on either side of the McRib debate, but don't think they lack a sense of humor! User Santander conjured up a fake Great Neighborhood Restaurant Award, with fonts and everything! So instead of copy-pasting and ruining the format, here's a screenshot:



HAHA! Later, user midas wrote, "OK, I have to admit, this was the funniest thing I've read today. Nobody else at work thought it was funny. I must be sick." No, midas, you're not wrong; everyone else at work is just stupid.

Afterwards, we went to Fast Food Facts, which deconstructed a McRib sandwich maybe a year ago. This is what happens if you clean off the meat portion of the McRib and turn it upside-down:



Enjoy your symptom!

McFib sandwich [LTHForum]
McRib [McDonald's]
Deconstructing McRib [Fast Food Facts]

[Photos: Santander, writing in LTH and Fast Food Facts, respectively]

Dear Applebees,

Even though you've been purchased by a company
that's both smaller and lower-end than you
and for less than your actual value
IHOP we can still be friends!

Love and pancakes,
The New Management

Applebee's Shareholders Back $1.9B Sale [NYTimes]

[Photo: apple pancake, from Walker Bros., by southeast star/flickr]

We have a thing for Pepe's, and we're not entirely sure why. If we were to hazard a guess, it would probably offend people (most likely people in the Pepe's corporate office). But they can't be too mad at us, because all press is good press.

And the good press we're going to give them today is about back-to-back openings in Yorkville and Vernon Hills, at opposite ends of the Chicagoland universe. Jeez, before long, Chicago exurbia will be hard up by I-39! But we digress.

The mere opening of new chain locations would not merit a mention unless there was something about it we could specifically mock, and in this case, it's the press release/promotion that came with the notifications. Each one contains its own idiosyncratic spelling and grammar errors, but they offer the same crappy one-time deal.

First, the raw material. Pepe's Vernon Hills opening, received Friday, 10/19:

The Pepe's Mexican Restaurant and Cantina at 281 West Town Line Road, Vernon Hills, Illinois, is now open. The restaurant and beautiful Cantina seat 140. Every Wednesday is 1/2 Price Margaritas. Print out this e-mail to receive a FREE APPETIZER of your choice, when you purchase Two Mexican Dinner Entrees and Two beverages. DINE IN ONLY. Valid only at the Pepe's in Vernon Hills, Illinois. Not good with any other offer, coupon, or special or on Margaritas nights. Sales tax not included. Offer expires November 4, 2007. Please present this coupon to the server before ordering. Thank You.

Pepe's Yorkville opening, received this morning (Monday, 10/22):

The Pepe's Mexican Restaurant at 920 North Bridge Street(RT 47), Yorkville, Iliinois, is now open for dine-in or carry-ouy business.This cozy restaurant seats 100. Every Monday and Thursday is 1/2 price Margaritas. Print out this email to receive a FREE APPETIZER of your choice, when you purchase Two Mexican Dinner Entrees and Two Beverages. Dine In Only. Valid only at the Pepe's in Yorkville, Illinois. NOt good with any other offer, coupon or special, or on Margaritas nights. Sales tax not included. Offer expires November 11, 2007. Plese pesent this coupon to the server before ordering. THank You.

Obviously, we've done nothing to adulterate the purity of the texts. We have to wonder why these would get sent out without a basic spell check, though. Something must have gone way downhill over the weekend, what with "Iliinois," "carry-ouy," and "plese pesent" tarnishing the Yorkville opening. Are we the only people who'd avoid a restaurant based on press release typos alone? We certainly hope so! This level of stringent orthodoxy is difficult to maintain and probably counterproductive for the average citizen.

But the real eyebrow-lowerer is the offer of a free appetizer with purchase of two dinners and two beverages. And you have merely a fortnight to get on the bandwagon! First of all, what's with the incessant capitalization of nouns? Does it look like we're in Germany or something?! Second, that is a hell of a lot of stuff you need to buy before you get your free appetizer. Even if it doesn't take that much money to get up there, it's still an onerous set of conditions. Very grudging-sounding. Then again, who can resist the lure of a "beautiful Cantina," especially one with seating for an intimate 140 guests? Just don't try your luck on Margarita nights.

Pepe's [Official Site]

[Photo: we're cannot wait to join Pepitos Club]

The other day, we noted that we were busy making updates to the site in order to excuse ourselves for the low blogging volume, and we just wanted to let you know that we weren't sh*tting you. Here's what's new on the site in the past week, in alphabetical order, commentary where appropriate:

• Al's Pizza (way the hell out in Dunning)
• Brasserie Ruhlmann (New!)
• Coco's (the fried lobster place)
• Dollop Coffee Co
• El Cubanito (check out the photos on LTH)
• Forno Diablo
• Franconello (the original, in Beverly)
• Franconello (in University Village)
• La Encantada (we're almost positive someone wrote an article on this recently!)
• La Isla Cafe
• La Madia (New!)
• Mac Kelly's Greens n' Things (in the Loop)
• Mac Kelly's Greens n' Things (also in the Loop! You may recall we tried to clarify this on Tuesday)
• Macello (New!)
• Pepitone's (New!)
• See Thru Chinese Kitchen (in Woodlawn)
• Stephanie (all we know about this Albany Park restaurant is that they serve Ecuadorian food on Sundays)
• Thalia Spice (sort of new)
• Tickie's Belizean Cuisine (Belizean? Neat!)
• Torpedo's (KPang's new favorite sub shop)
• Wow Bao (in the Loop)

Phew! Good for us! Good for you!

Here at MenuPages, we're in the midst of a major menu update for the fall season. We suspect that seeing it through is even more important than blogging! But anyway, we are making discoveries left and right. For example, we've definitively cleared up the mystery of Mac Kelly's Greens n' Things.

Oh, yeah, don't act like you don't know what we're talking about. If you've ever searched for MKGnT, you'll know that a bewildering array of locations result, where phone numbers and addresses mate in some sort of sick, pandrogynous orgy. How to get your healthy Loop catering on if you don't know what's what? Because Mac Kelly does not deign to provide us humans with a clearinghouse website, we will have to do it for them.

The four Loop locations of Mac Kelly Greens n' Things are: 123 W Madison St (312-214-6401), 216 W Jackson St (312-346-8072), 111 E Wacker Dr (312-540-0071), and 177 N Wells St (312-899-9022).

Wow, aren't you completely relieved now? Finally, after years of struggling in vain to understand the scope of the Mac Kelly empire, you can move on with your life. Maybe go to trade school? Or adopt a kitten!

At any rate, we recommend calling the Wacker location during the early morning hours, when you might get in touch with Brian, an owner. Otherwise, it's pretty much hit or miss. Best of luck!

[Photo: from a fax they sent us. See, everyone's confused!]

Originally posted April 19th. As promised, the exciting conclusion!


Yesterday, we announced that we would be doing some investigative journalism, following a report in the NYTimes about the emergence of humanely raised, flavorful veal. The article flagged Blackbird as a Chicago restaurant that offers the organic stuff, so we thought we'd check in on a few other spots that serve veal to find out which type they use.

An innocent enough question, or so we thought. While several restaurants happily named their suppliers, others became immediately suspicious, like we were asking where they got their foie gras from, or something. What we discovered through our (admittedly not exhaustive) research is that most places are still proudly using the old kind of veal. It does taste good, or at least feels good in the mouth, and like tofu, it can take on the flavors of whatever it's cooked with. We suspect that the more reticent restaurants do not serve the pastured veal, because they probably would have been flaunting it if they had, but that is just conjecture. Ultimately, we were more put off by the restaurants which dodged and stalled than by the restaurants which serve caged veal. How one treats animals is important, but how one treats humans, perhaps more so. Ready for our findings?

We might as well start with Blackbird, which offers a grilled veal ribeye with cornbread porridge, rapini, bittersweet chocolate, black truffle and rosemary for $36 (and some veal sweetbreads as an appetizers for $13; awesome). Their veal is Le Québécois, a program that entails no use of hormones, antibiotics, or ruminant proteins, and promises that the calves were raised on a natural diet and "humanely," the details of which are not overly specific. But suffice it to say, this sounds around as good as it gets for baby animal.

Next up, NoMI. For the $48 they charge for their veal with creamy polenta and hedgehog mushrooms, that cow better have been receiving daily massages since birth, Kobe-style. Considering it's from the Four Story Hill Farm in Pennsylvania, it is fair to say that it's top-of-the-line stuff (so high end that they don't have/need a website).

How about some steakhouses? These bastions of beef and bounty can be somewhat slow to respond to trends (a bit reductive to call humanely raised veal a trend, but that's exactly what it is). Here we have to apologize, because even though we got the names of the respective veal suppliers of David Burke's Primehouse (Purely Gourmet) and The Palm (Consumers Meats), further investigation did not reveal which type of veal each serves. We called up Consumers Meats to ask what kind of veal they sold, and were given a one-word answer: "nature." After much pressing, we got the guy to cough up an explanation, which was, in its entirety, "they put them at the bench and raise them special." They sure do. In fact, Nature Veal is a technical term, and it refers to a Department of Agriculture certification of quality. Not an organic certification, exactly, but the veal's probably pretty tender.

Moving right along to some Italian restaurants, and why not try Little Italy? We could not have been more charmed by the woman who answered the phone at Bacchanalia, who had an instant answer for us: Casper Foods. When she started rattling off the company's address (310 N Green St) and phone number, we asked how she knew all this right off the top of her head. Her response? "The guy's my neighbor!" Sure enough, a call to La Fontanella revealed Casper to be their veal supplier as well. It is good to see that Chicago butchers are supplying Chicago restaurants - makes our heart swell. Is it organic? Almost certainly not, but we sort of feel okay about that.

Finally, we thought we'd see what some Lettuce Entertain You restaurants were doing. TRU and Ambria both have veal on the menu, so we thought, what's the worst that can happen? After speaking to someone at TRU reception, we were quickly transferred between managers and chefs, none of whom knew where their veal came from, or was authorized to tell us. Eventually, we were connected with a woman at LEYE HQ, who coldly informed us that we would have to leave a voicemail with their public relations manager. Our call was not returned. Once they determined that we were not a customer, they really did not want to have anything to do with us. We don't entirely blame them - LEYE is a pretty big company, and the press is a dangerous animal (more so than caged calves, even). But what, exactly, did they have to hide?


[Photo: Organic veal rack from Mondo Di Carne in Australia (sorry; we know how good it looks)]

Chicago's intrepid food bloggers were all over the damn place last week, in alphabetical order by restaurant

• Exploding into existence from behind a storefront, Cocina Cocula serves up some mean chilaquiles (hold the iceberg lettuce, please) [Chicagoist]

• Uh oh, hipster barbecue time at Honky Tonk; it was good when they were catering parties, and it's good in Pilsen [The Stew]

• Whoa, the burger at Hot Chocolate is like a "burger topped with a breakfast sandwich..." That is amazing! Chips in lieu of fries, not so much [Chicago Burger Project]

• The sports bar atmosphere at Il Fiasco is a drag, but boy, can they make a consistent Neapolitan-style pizza [Big Sweet Tooth]

• Tasty enough to deserve a whole post, the heirloom squash ice cream with cranberry sorbet and apple cider semifreddo at Lula Cafe is like "Thanksgiving in a bowl." Word [Drive-Thru]

• The gelato and panini at Piccolo are as good as the atmosphere is uninviting. No liquor license or BYO? WTF! [Chicagoist]

• Even though Potbelly is an increasingly ubiquitous (and therefore decreasingly special) chain, it still makes a mean malt, anywhere you want to be (including Hyde Park) [Chicago Burger Project]

• Wait, is it really possible that the best falafel in Chicago's at Salam in Albany Park? Only one way to find out... [Big Sweet Tooth]

• As we mentioned last week, KPang returned to TABLE fifty-two following its plug on Oprah, and found it so overbooked that he recommended you try lunch, instead [The Stew]

[Photo: poor Dale, Bravo/MySpace]

Everything you need to know about this week's Tribune dining section is in five articles. Two are straight-up reviews: Phil Vettel enjoys indulging his Southern tooth at Blu 47 in Bronzeville. While he, himself, doesn't love jazz Thursdays, you might, and no one can argue with the Sunday brunch. Meanwhile, Janet Franz is sort of nonplussed by the addition of Winston's Market, the New Americanish deli/prepared food/cafe, to its particular stretch of Southport. Not bad, but maybe not worth a special trip.

Sandwiched between the reviews and the chain comparisons (more on that momentarily) is an article by Becky Schlikerman about Latin America's many varieties of empanada, broken down by country of origin, with one local restaurant option given per country. Honestly, they all sound good.

The section's big theme is chain restaurants, and how they stack up to their upscale equivalents (RL vs. Red Lobster) or to themselves (Olive Garden vs. OG "inspired by the Culinary Institute of Tuscany.") Okay then. The first battle was inspired not just by the sameness of the initials, but because many of the dishes at Red Lobster are also available at RL. The conclusion, that basically all the food at RL tasted better (except for the cheddar biscuits) but that Red Lobster occasionally fit its smaller bill, came as no surprise; the dish-by-dish comparison is a fun read anyway, though.

The other piece evaluates Olive Garden's effort to put actual Italian food on its menu. Apparently, every year 100 OG staff members take a trip to the Culinary Institute of Tuscany, near Siena, for a week of learning how to cook what it is they're supposed to be serving. A crew of Tribunites and members of the local Italorati went to a suburban OG to check out the 14 menu items that resulted (don't worry, they haven't taken unlimited breadbasket off the menu), and found themselves not entirely horrified. Much of the food tasted like it could conceivably be found in Tuscany, albeit in much smaller portions and with fewer over-the-top ingredients. If, heavens forfend, any of you find yourselves inescapably at an Olive Garden, you can survive on the shrimp and asparagus risotto.

Blu 47 [MenuPages]
Blu 47 [Official Site]
Winston's Market [MenuPages]
RL [MenuPages]
RL [Official Site]

[Photo: Olive Garden learns to cook!]

Remember when we told you about the special appetizers that Pepe's had developed for its 40th anniversary? Well, turns out that was only the tip of the iceberg. The majority of the giant mass of snow and frozen water will take the form of a birthday bash tonight on the grounds of the Hickory Hills Pepe's at 8128 W 95th St.

It's called "Salsa Under the Stars," which is both frightening and not bloody likely - it's forecast to be cloudy with occasional thunderstorms this evening. But anyway, the party is free to the public from 6:30pm-10pm, and involves food from the restaurant, Corona beer, and music courtesy of the Mambo Allstars (to facilitate the salsa-ing). Pepe's is also giving away a vacation to Mexico, and if that's not enough, WLS-AM's Jerry Agar will be broadcasting live from hoedown. AM radio!

We cannot even begin to speculate about what kind of crowd this party will draw, but it'll probably be funnier than television. ¡Feliz cumpleaños, Pepe!

Pepe's [Official Site]

[Photo: and if you squint, you can see Pepe himself!]

First of all, the articles still aren't working in Firefox. We don't know if it's the same for you, Tribune, but 48% of the visitors to MP:Chicago don't use IE, so this is worth fixing.

Okay. Breakfast. Phil Vettel loves the Egg McMuffin and hates the McGriddle. Either way, portable breakfast is here to stay. Ideally not from McD, but with their new 4am hours, how can you avoid them? Pretty easily; we've never had either product, even though partisans have insisted we try the McGriddle. Given where we fall on the savory-sweet continuum, we think we'd like the McMuffin better.

Everything else is reviews:

• Boka has some of the best nuovo italiano cuisine in the city, periodo.
• Jerry's is serving the same sandwiches in a swanky new environment. But it's nice! Also, KPang has the most vivid food simile of the day, comparing drinking their Persian lemonade to "sipping day-spa bathwater."
• TABLE fifty-two & OTOM: all caps edition, of TABLEHOPPING, we guess. TABLE, Oprah's chef's place, is serving delicious, high-end country food, while OTOM, from the people who brought you MOTO, is not quite living up to the reputation of its sibling with its lackluster haute comfort food.

[Photo: an unappealing-looking McGriddle, Morton Fox/flickr]

In a move that might be described as brave, McDonald's is opening up its kitchens to an army of motherbloggers, who will be reporting their allegedly unedited findings on McD's website, and their verifiably unedited findings on blogs around the Internet. The fast food giant's goal is to stem criticism that the restaurant's offerings are making the country obese by making their processes more transparent to the public (as transparent as a barrel of trans fats?)

So what is this really going to accomplish? If McD's is trying to stamp out criticisms related to the nutrition of their food, this scheme isn't going to have any impact at all. What will the mothers say? "Workers secretly pat off extra oil from the French Fries before enboxing them to save customers a few calories"? Aren't the kitchens...already open? You can see all the way to the back!

Maybe people will develop such good will toward McD's for its promotion of honesty and accountability that they will cease to imply that the company is forcing Americans to eat its unhealthy food. Maybe people will see that McD's workers are actually happy and well-treated, and the campaign to change the definition of "McJob" will come to fruition. Or maybe, everything that everyone's always suspected about the back-end operation of the restaurants will be borne out by observation. The fact that McD's is even taking a chance, allowing any maybes, is a good sign, and we look forward to reading the blogs (launching 6/20) and deciding for ourselves. In the meantime, we're...not going to be eating at McDonald's - sorry.

McDonald's seeking moms' approval [Tribune]

[Photo: Nutritional information, McDonald's]

Two in Chicago sickened by Chinese fugu mislabeled as monkfish! [Tribune]
Blago signs bill closing last slaughterhorse facility in U.S. [Tribune]
McD/tomato picker wage increase deal foiled by growers in Fla. [Tribune]
McD hot and bothered by fast food breakfast competition [Tribune]
CTA uses doomsday scenario to scare money out of Springfield [Tribune]

In a blow to performative dining in Chicago, the only local branch of Benihana closed this past Tuesday. Just where are tacky people going to get their Japanese food now? Good news! RA Sushi is owned by the Benihana people, and is in no danger of going anywhere. We went to a Benihana once, and the guy who was doing our shrimp missed when he he tried to flip the shells into his chef's hat. Also, the steak wasn't great, and it was expensive. We don't say good riddance, because we the theatricallity eventually wore down our jaded demeanor, but...we don't think it's a crime that the closest Benihanas are in Lombard, Wheeling and Schaumburg - exactly where they belong.

Benihana [MenuPages]
Benihana [Official Site]
RA Sushi [MenuPages]
RA Sushi [Official Site]

[Photo: Benihana Chef by the inimitable Zesmerelda/flickr]

Yesterday, we mentioned that we enjoy keeping tabs on the fast food industry because it is the zeitgeist of American taste. Well, ask and ye shall receive: Zagat unleashed its horde of citizen-reviewers on the fast food world, and reported the results of the survey today. Divvying up fast food into two categories - all chains and mega-chains with over 5k outlets - Zagat's report contends that Panera is the top chain overall, and Wendy's is the top mega-chain.

We cannot confirm nor deny this assessment personally, but we can provide some more detail. Panera, which has five locations in Chicago, beat out Chick-fil-A (which has no locations in Chicago) and Chipotle, tied for second, and Sonic (also no Chicago locations) and Quizno's. On the mega-chain side, Wendy's topped Subway (2nd), Pizza Hut (3rd) and DQ and McD (tied for 4th) - all of which have Chicago branches, obviously.

It is not surprising that none of the mega-chains cracked the top five overall; one loses quite a bit of quality to maintain that level of quantity. The category favorites, however, show a consumer preference for individual mega-chain products. The best three burgers are Wendy's, BK and McD, and the best three fries went to McD's, BK and Wendy's, respectively. McD's was named most child-friendly (playland!), but KFC lost best chicken to Chick-fil-A "by a beak," as the press release smirks.

Why are there no Chick-fil-As in Chicago? The long and short of it is, the company is run by a fundamentalist Christian named S. Truett Cathy, who lamintes his beliefs onto the chain by closing on Sundays (which is fine) and through promotional giveaways of Christian toys, books and CDs at the stores (which is a tad frightening). We prefer our propaganda to be purely commercial and ethically vacant, thank you very much. Anyway, it will be a cold day in Hell before Cathy allows one of his stores to open in relatively heathen Chicago. Don't let all those churches fool you: we're wicked folk. Don't worry, though - CfA found enough God-fearers in Kenosha, WI, to warrant a branch. It's located in a large mall, and you can gawk at ungainly Americans while you scarf down your (admittedly enjoyable) signature chicken sandwich.

Zagat Reveals Results of Fast Food Survey [PRNewswire]
Fast-Food Chains [Zagat]
Panera locations in Chicago [MenuPages]
S. Truett Cathy [Official Site]
Chick-Fil-A [Wikipedia]

[Photo: Chick-Fil-A Kid's Zone. The slogan refers to filling children with chicken and Christian values]

• Double your pleasure: a new chemical emerges in the pet food scandal [NYTimes]
• Local, sustainable biofuel? Now that's using your coconut [BBCNews]
• The Juice juiced from Louisville steakhouse on account of...well, you know [Tribune]
• Cracker Barrel burger contains metal shards; new mineral supplement? [Tribune]
• McD's same-store sales up almost 5%, now sells more chicken than KFC [Tribune]

This week's Sun-Times food section is chock full of nifty little reports about events and food trends, but not so much about specific restaurants and their merits. As is our duty, we will catalogue the reviews, and as a bonus, summarize the more interesting articles so you don't have to slog through the entire section to find that one piece of information that's actually pertinent to your life.

First up is 200 East on Chestnut, in the Seneca Hotel. The club conjured an older, softer time for Denise O'Neal, who liked the standard Italian menu and the jazzy 50s ambiance. Ms. O'Neal also mentions that it is permissible to smoke by the bar, which surely evokes the atmosphere of a lounge of days gone by, but good luck partaking after this year (if you click through, note the use of "crazy-quilt" to describe the current legal situation in the state)

It is difficult to say which (or whether) Adobo Grill is being reviewed (Old Town / Wicker Park); it's really more of a focus than a critique. We suspect all the hubbub has to do with Cinco De Mayo, which chef Freddy Sanchez will be celebrating in force at both locations. Sue Ontiveros speaks with Sanchez, who gives a run-down of essential CdM accoutrements: music, beer, tequila, guacamole, and we cannot argue with this assessment. Also, Sanchez will be serving up an historical dish which commemorates the 1862 victory of the Mexican people over the French army in Puebla (yes, that is what you will be drinking to on Saturday). The dish is called Chiles en Nogada (above), and represents the Mexican flag, and we quote:

The green by the poblano chiles; the white by a sauce of walnuts, goat cheese, condensed milk and cinnamon. A savory picadillo is topped by a bright pomegranate sauce, signifying the red of the flag.

Hey, that sounds pretty good, even for $17.95. Try some before the tequila wears your taste buds down to a nub, although only at the WP location; the OT location is doing a whole other thing for some reason (maybe because OT isn't as cool?). Either location will involve forced Mariachi merriment from 6pm-9pm, though.

Other stuff going on in the Sun-Times:

• A rundown of all the name-brand chef shows on TV (regrettably does not include Alton Brown)
• Dining tables made of unusual surfaces (bowling lanes) are expensive but totally hip
• Italian wine options get fleshed out at local restaurants
• New Latino food pyramid recommends eating like it were 1500 A.D.
• Lobsters are too expensive to serve right now
• In case Adobo's not your bag for this CdM, here are some other options.

The Sun-Times totally brought it today, right? Totally.

[Photo: Chiles en Nogada by El_imaginario/flickr. A bit different than what we'd imagined...]