Can it be done? Since we are not, currently, in West Virginia (and also we do not, currently, have a death wish), we turn our powers of deduction to the matter.

Let's start in the obvious place: Champion gurgitator Joey Chestnut won the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest on July 4 this year by eating 59 hot dogs in 10 minutes. That'd be an average of 5.9 a minute, right? But we were a little suspicious — that's like saying someone who does a 5-hour marathon is running 11.5-minute miles, whereas in reality the miles are much faster at first, and take longer as the race goes on. So we sat down in front of a YouTube video of this past July's contest, planning to count Joey's consumption over the first four minutes.

That failed. So instead, we turn to Gothamist's liveblog of the eat-off, and with some counting-backwards skills have decided that Joey Chestnut can eat at least 32 hot dogs in 4 minutes.

But what is that in terms of weight? Nathan's hot dogs are sold in grocery stores in 12-ounce packs of 6, weighing in at 2 ounces per dog. And we'll assume that Nathan's buns are more or less equivalent to white Wonder buns, which at 43 grams per bun convert to just about 1.5 ounces per bun. 2 ounces for the dog plus 1.5 ounces for the bun means that a full hot dog, Nathan's contest-style, weighs 3.5 ounces.

And how many 3.5-ounce dog-and-bun combos do you need to get up to 4 pounds? Just about 18.285 hot dogs — half what Joey Chestnut packed down.

So is eating the homewrecker dog in 4 minutes doable? Totally. Is it advisable? Not so much.

Gigantic horrifying hotdog -- 3.5lbs -- is free if you eat it in 4 minutes [BoingBoing]
The Mother of All Hot Dogs--HillBilly's Homewrecker [Al Dente]

[Photo of the homewrecker via Al Dente]

It was Tuesday that we read the horror story of the glass of whiskey that cost more than a bottle of that whiskey, served at — surprise, surprise — Rebar at Trump Tower. For reals: a whiskey that's $41.99 per bottle at Sam's Wine was a whopping $57 at le bar du Trump.

It was only this morning, however, that we remembered what this reminded us of: Eater's Johnnie Walker Blue Index. Developed by William Tigertt, proprietor of NY hipster hotspot Freemans, the index is quite simple: you can measure the precise location in the stratosphere of the markup rate of any given establishment simply by dividing the wholesale price of the portion of Blue Label by the list price at your bar or lounge.

So we decided to turn our eyes away from the glare of the computer screen and actually pick up the phone. A very helpful Angela answered the phone at Rebar, and happily gave us the cost of a glass of Blue Label as $42 — a price that's corroborated by their online cocktail menu, which we should have looked for in the first place.

A quick search of Sam's Wine inventory tells us that a 750ml bottle of Blue Label is $209.99, and a case of 6 is a discounted $1,139.94. (6 x 209.99 = 1259.94 — decent savings!)

Let's assume Trump buys smartly, by the case instead of a single bottle, which puts one of those six at $189.99. Considering a 2oz pour, of which there are about 12 per 750ml bottle, that's a wholesale cost of just about $15.83 per glass. Since they're charging $42, that gives us a markup of 265%, meaning a JWBI for Rebar of 2.65 — not that bad, actually.

Compare this to the $3.50 per two-ounce serving it cost Trump to give the friend of Gapers Block his Glenrothes, for which he was charged $57. That, friends, is a one thousand, six hundred and twenty-eight percent markup. An equivalently marked up glass of Johnnie Walker Blue Label would run $257.80. And kids, that's before tax and tip.

Trumped Up Prices [Gapers Block]
On The House: The Johnnie Walker Blue Index [Eater]

[Photo: Johnnie Walker Blue, via tristanstephenson's Flickr]

Whenever we see a number that precise, our ears perk up (we are secretly a hunting dog). 312,120? How did they arrive at that number? So we decided to do some math of our own.

Counter's menu is broken down into the various choices you get to make about your burger. There are four types of "burger": beef, turkey, chicken, veggie. Each comes in three weights: 1/3lb, 2/3lb, and a hefty 1lb. You can get your burger on one of three types of roll (English muffin, burger bun, honey wheat) or without a bowl on your choice of two kinds of leaves: mixed lettuce, or baby greens.

Right there we have: 4 options, times 3 weights, times 5 platforms = 60 basic options.

Then you choose a cheese. There are ten types, and (if you are like a certain insane friend of ours) you might not want any cheese at all. 60 basic options times 11 cheese options = 660 burger + cheese options.

Now things get crazy. Twenty-nine topping choices, of which four are included in your purchase price. Even assuming you don't double &mdash or quadruple &mdash up on your toppings ("I'll have bacon, bacon, bacon, and bacon"), this enters us into the stratosphere of possibility. For the sake of those who might want zero, one, two, or three toppings rather than four, let's add a thirtieth option: null.

So 660 burger+cheese options times (30x29x28x27) = 434,095,200 burger + cheese + topping options.

BUT WE'RE NOT DONE. There is still the sauce. There are 18 sauces, plus one for null.

434,095,200 burger + cheese + topping times 19 sauces = 8,247,808,800.

Eight billion. Two hundred forty-seven million. Eight hundred and eight thousand. Eight hundred. Possible. Burger. Options.

We're drained. Happy weekend, y'all.

The Counter: Custom Built Burgers: Menu [The Counter Official Site]

[Photo: Fractal, via jornobniano's Flickr]